doubtful, impatient… i hate this feeling.

I have so much to be thankful for the new year. For example,
-turned 21
-went to Disneyworld in February
-had my last rhinoplasty
-performed at Prelude, three times
-had two research assistant positions
-studied abroad in Europe
-had an Italian love story, I guess
-learned more about my faith
-got tested as a leader… and succeeded. (bitches!)
-said goodbye to an asshole
-got a second job
-performed at World of Dance, twice
-met someone special

I don’t even want to get into the negatives of what happened in 2012 because it honestly just shaped me into the person I am now. I’ve learned from my mistakes… the hard way. It took me time to realize who I really have in my life and I’m very happy with the way things are… Like I always say, everything happens for a reason. I just pray that 2013 comes with just as many blessings, give or take the struggles.

I’ve gotten so good at telling lies that when I actually tell the truth, I give away all the signs as if I’m telling a lie. When I tell the truth, I get fidgety, extremely defensive, I lose my breath easily, I avoid eye contact, I can’t control the volume of my voice, and I cry uncontrollably as I attack you with every insult I can conjure up. What sucks is that I have no way to prove that I’m actually telling the truth. You’ll know I’m lying if I look you right into the eyes and tell you what you want to hear without missing a steady breath. 

If someone falsely accuses me of something, it’s like I go through an anxiety attack. It’s like drowning in vast, empty waters with no one around to save you… attempting to scream, but the water pulls you down… all of your efforts to swim to save yourself are useless because the water has already won.. you’re left with no choice but to stop fighting, and let the water pull you down in the sea of misconception. 

I don’t know how else to describe it.. but being wrongly accused of something by my loved ones is like dying over and over again because I can’t win. 

I like writing what’s in my mind because right now, it’s pretty cluttered. I’ve kinda just been trying to calm my brain down from the nonstop activity back in Europe and it’s been very rewarding. Going to Europe helped me discover who I wanted to be when I came back. I went to Europe searching for a calling. I got exactly what I wanted. I found a love I never thought I could have: a love for change. I definitely need a change. I need to be more responsible, more mature, caring, less boastful, and self-less. I also need to work on my cooking and music skills. I need to stop trying to take control of my life and just let the universe work through me.

I also need to keep practicing my Italian.

My blogs never make sense.